I’m Aubrey! Most of my friends call me “Bree” or “Aubs”.

I have plenty of trauma and mental struggles. There’s ADHD, Autism, CPTSD, Anxiety, Depression, and a new one - neurogenic tremors brought on by PTSD. I was raised in a conservative Mormon family. I’m the oldest of four, and my father served in the US Navy for 20 years. We moved from state to state and with each new stationing, made - and lost - many friends along the way, and attended a total of 13 schools throughout my 13 years of education. The last three years of my education were at the same school where I eventually graduated. Barely.

I knew truths about my sexuality at a very young age. Younger than most recognize these things. I couldn’t tell anyone, though. There was a deep fear of being shunned or disowned, because the church views it as “sinful” and I would ultimately find myself in hell. So, I kept parts of my life quiet, and mentally prepared to meet and marry a man one day in order to produce a family. I never truly felt that was my calling, but it’s what everyone else around me was doing, so I thought it was my duty.

When I was 12 years old, my parents were excommunicated from the church and that brought the biggest breath of relief to this very sheltered, confused girl. If you’re not familiar with the Mormon religion, it’s actually a cult. Many family members are still in that cult, but I won’t hide what it truly is at its core. It was restrictive and repressive in many ways and many members had the ‘holier than thou’ attitude. I was so repressed with that religion that my very first thought was, “I can finally wear a bikini!” The restraints slowly started shedding away and I started exploring what made ME happy within the world, rather than what the church said I should be pursuing.

My father finally retired from the Navy when I was 16 years old and we moved back to his hometown of Charlotte, NC. We started planting roots and for the first time in my life, I was excited that I would have stability. I wouldn’t have to fear the words “We’re moving again.” I had such high hopes for myself, but found myself in many situations that weren’t conducive to a healthy, well rounded life. During this time I had undiagnosed ADHD and Autism which caused me to struggle to maintain structure and routine in my daily life. I was a professional masker and made sure no one got too close to me so I didn’t reveal the real me. I was misunderstood a lot, and had to be very precise with my words because of that blunder. Over time, I started to self-medicate to alleviate many of the symptoms surrounding my lacking diagnoses.

By the time I was 19 I had experimented with all sorts of drug and alcohol combinations and finally had to make a long term decision about my future. I chose to follow my boyfriend at the time back into religion, but this time it was a Non-Denominational Church. I didn’t put up much of a fight. As I’ve said, I believed I was following my purpose. The next step was to get married, have babies and be a mother and wife. I was married at 19 and had my first boy at 22. He’s the most amazing human being a mom could ask for, and I felt like I was walking the right path. Fast forward three years and I had a set of identical twin girls at the age of 25. They were 7 weeks early and spent 12 days in the NICU and they’re two of the most beautiful young women I know. But we didn’t stop there. We’re supposed to repopulate the earth, or so I was led to believe. We had one more boy when I was 29 and then my tubes were tied.

My last boy was going to be my last kid so I held him longer, swaddled him harder, and poured what little energy I had left as a mother into that sweet soul. I later went through postpartum depression knowing that I couldn’t have anymore children. After all, for all intents and purposes, my livelihood and purpose had just been taken from me with a 2 hour laparoscopic surgery. I felt like I failed, even though I had four beautiful, smart, talented, loving, big-hearted children.

But I had to push forward. We lived in a rather frail economic state, never knowing how long our next paycheck would last. We kept trying to make the best of things for the sake of our children. As time went on, I learned a lot of odd jobs and even ran my own business for a few years working for some really amazing people. But it wasn’t cutting it, financially. I had to return to the workforce to have a more consistent income.

So, I got a job helping patients with insurance ensuring they would get their life saving treatments. It was a temp job, so it abruptly ended a few months later and I was devastated. I’d never lost a job before and I was one of the best workers they had. So, I waited until the next year rolled around and applied to work for them again. I was hired, and then the project ended a few months later and that’s when I decided to search for something permanent.

I got a job at one of the best companies I could ask for and have made more money and built more relationships throughout that journey. During this new found success, my husband and I were considering separation. We had dabbled in the lifestyle for a few years and had recently left the church to pursue our happiness. Throughout that journey, we came to realize we were not the ideal partners for each other. We separated in March of 2023 and I was already dating a man who I thought was the most wonderful, caring, loving, compassionate, funny, charming….all the things.

And he was…at first.

We were together for a total of 20 months. 10 months into the relationship, his anger would boil to the surface and he would punch couches, walls, space dividers, and other furniture as he yelled at me for something I had no idea I had done. It quickly escalated to physical abuse, but it was blamed on his disability. He has Tourrette’s Syndrome (TS). He claimed that he was unable to control himself because of this disability, and therefore it was my job to maintain my calm nature in order for him to calm down.

That was red flag number one. But I didn’t know about red flags. I had been married for 22 years and never learned to look for those or what they even looked like.

Red flag number two was when he had me pack all my belongings - multiple times - and kicked me out of the apartment, telling me to go back to my ex-husband.

The next red flag was the fact that he showed me how to protect my head/neck/face when he was attacking me, since he “couldn’t control it”.

There were many more red flags, but I only truly recognize them now.

I endured emotional, mental, and physical abuse over a 10 month period and I finally reached my breaking point. I snuck out of the house early one morning with some of my belongings, left him a note, headed to work early, and never looked back. My girlfriend opened her door and her heart to me. She helped me land softly while I determined my next steps. Initially I wanted to move on with my life and pretend it never happened, but I realized, no one else has held him accountable before, which is why this happened to me. I can’t be the reason another woman endures even 1/18th of my trauma and pain.

So with the support and encouragement of my girlfriend and family members, I finally decided to step up and press charges against him. We recently went to court over these charges. After some discussion with the ADA, she recommended dismissing charges. The defense had evidence that could sway a jury into believing the “abuse” was consensual. This ties into the ‘kink’ or ‘BDSM’ community which you’ll see referenced in my blogs from time to time.

In the end, the case was dismissed and I still have all this knowledge and an impactful story to share. Rather than having a pity party for myself because the verdict didn’t go my way, I chose to create a website with resources, connections, personal revelations and excerpts from my life, as well as a step by step guide of how to move forward in recovery. All this data is purely informational, and from my personal perspective. I’m not a qualified physician and cannot prescribe treatments of any kind. But I will gladly offer advice based on my own experiences, or refer you to someone who is better equipped to ensure your successful recovery.

I want my horror story to bring light to those that might be lost or scared. I want to be a voice, a hand, a shoulder, and resource to anyone that is willing to take my advice and information. Healing is painful, and scary, but it’s also extremely necessary if you want to rebuild your life. The life you deserve.

I will not go gently into that good night. I will RAGE against the dying of the light.

Much love,

-Bree.