It's Not Me, It's You

There's nothing more aggravating than a narcissist deflecting and shirking responsibility. The moment you address something with them they will latch onto the smallest 'flaw' of yours they can, working to convince you that you - or both of you - are at fault.

They often view things rather one-sided and no matter how much effort you put in - even though they beat the shit out of you - you have issues that somehow warrants or justifies the abuse. 

My ex was adamant about me getting rid of everything from my past, especially if it had to do with the lifestyle or my ex-husband. I threw a lot of really nice clothes away, pictures, mementos, things that still held some happiness for me. He had me so sleep deprived and brainwashed that he had convinced me of things that weren't actually accurate about those parts of my life. With the world salad, circular talking, and need for relief, I had convinced myself these things were reality to avoid being further berated or beaten. 

One of the clinchers for me was the day that I left. He was all sorts of distressed, distraught, disabled. He was so sad that I was gone and even said that he didn't realize how much he had in me until he knew I was gone. But he found my laptop bag in our closet that I had received from work, and there happened to be some pictures in there from my 40th birthday party. Of course, it was lifestyle related. 

He had been more than willing to be appeasing until he found those photos, and in that moment he turned it around on me and said that we 'both have things to work on'. 

I don't know how many times I can say this, but it doesn't matter what you have done or said in a person's life, no one deserves to have their head slammed against a wall, their hair pulled and face slammed into the floor, or their legs punched with the force of a 6'1", 210 lb man with decades of martial arts training. 

I called him out on it and his actions helped me stay strong, standing firm that I wouldn't go back to him. And upon the advice of my girlfriend, she said to just appease him and say what he wanted to hear so that he would leave me alone. Eventually his demeanor reverted again to being the loving, passive, disparaging soul that needed me back in his life.

But I reflected on the fact that everything that he had convinced me of, everything that I had agreed to, everything that I admitted to that wasn't factual is the reason that we ended up where we did. There's a thin line between a cult leader and a narcissistically abusive partner.

It's a lot like interrogation, when you've had no sleep, you're traumatized, and discombobulated. After being berated for hours on end you finally agree and give into whatever they're saying to get them to stop. This works about 50% of the time. The other 50%, it ignites an additional fight that drags on for three or four more hours and then you're even more sleep deprived than before.

I even made a joke that because I'm not with him any longer, I could finally afford to keep my lashes done; I wouldn't be crying so much that they would be disheveled after a week. 

Nobody should cry that much in a relationship.

And in these moments, as I continue building my strength and my support system consistently rallies around me, I'm reminded of the song by the band Skillet: "It's Not Me, It's You".

Nothing anyone says or does justifies the torture and tumultuous abuse that I endured. 

Ever.

I did everything I could, held on as long as my fragile and empathetic heart could handle.

But in the end, it was double standards and one-sided expectations. 

Hey, BOY...

It's not me.

IT'S YOU.