Cognitive Dissonance: A Fickle Bitch
There’s something remarkable that happens within our nervous system when our mind and body aren’t aligned. When you undergo trauma, you experience multiple outward symptoms, but inside is a thriving network of neurons and signals telling your body how to handle or react to those symptoms.
With most trauma, emotional strain is experienced. Depending on the level of trauma, one might even experience multiple outward symptoms as well as the internal stressors. One thing most people are not prepared for - and I wish no one ever had to experience - is Cognitive Dissonance.
This is a fancy term explaining why your mind can’t make sense of how you love a person so deeply, even though they’re treating you like a piece of refuse that doesn’t deserve their time of day. “He was so sweet to me before, why is he acting this way now? He’ll be sweet again, right? I should hold out hope that it will be better because he’s been better in the past.”
I spoke with my mother the other day and she said, “How many times have you forgiven him and showed him grace - shown him mercy?” If I had to do the math, I know it was over 100 times. 100 TIMES! I never wanted to give up. I believed his reasoning of his disability being the catalyst of the abuse and torture. I made excuses for him. He couldn’t help that he grabbed me by the throat and threw me to the floor. He couldn’t help repeatedly punching my thighs, spitting in my face and telling me he hated me, and he would fucking kill me.
So when I left, his attempts to hoover me almost won. If it hadn’t been for my beautiful girlfriend talking to me all day, being my voice of reason, I’m confident I would have gone back again. I would never treat anyone that way, and I never want to give up on people. To this day, if his current partner ever wises up to his true nature and leaves him, I’m here for her as well. No one should have to endure what I did.
As I continued reading his passionate pleas asking me to return “home”, I almost gave in. The sweetest words were typed out and my heart and brain couldn’t rationalize why someone would say they love me so deeply but their actions weren’t in line with their words. As I sat on the porch swing with my girlfriend my first night away from him, I started to open up about what I had been going through. The words that came out of my mouth even shocked me.
The final nail in the coffin helping me stand firm in my decision to stay away came from 5 simple words he sent. He went through the day putting together a list of ways he would be better, give me his all, show me his best side, blah, blah, blah. But the very first change on the list struck a cord in me that sent chills through my body.
HANDS
OFF
NO
MATTER
WHAT
The fact that he had to put that in text to prove he won’t beat and torture me proves that he was capable of controlling himself all 100 times, all 10 months, all 1000 sharp tongued words spewed in hatred. It was that point that I realized I had put up with too much for far too long and didn’t even realize how far I’d let him take it.
My girlfriend sent him a lengthy text explaining her disgust and hatred toward his evil actions and how I was no longer his; he had no power over me anymore. His response was short and simple. “I am sorry. I don’t deserve her. I’m glad she has you.” No real acknowledgement for the months of physical, emotional, and mental anguish in which he’d smothered my heart and soul.
I tried for months to remain brave, strong, solid, and whole. I didn’t want to share pictures of my broken self, only the strong person I wanted the world to see. But after recent events, I’ve decided the world needs to see truth. Too many women are stuck in horrific situations in which they’re unable to extricate themselves. If we keep pretending everything is fine and don’t feel our feelings, we never truly heal.
I hate feeling feelings, but dammit, they must be felt.
I want to be an advocate for those less fortunate than myself and forge a path to ensure this completely unacceptable behavior is brought to a screeching halt. Women should feel safe to come forward and right now, most women won’t. I want to change that.
The picture below was taken the day after I left, when the bruises had already been healing for a few days. I won’t let anyone destroy me that way again. ✌🏼
