Process Delay
One thing I’ve learned about myself is the fact that something traumatic will happen and I will power through for about three days, and then it will resonate deeply. I don’t know if my ability to transform into a new person every time I moved as a child has helped me develop a lizard, or chameleon like skin, but not showing my immediate emotional response has always been a coping mechanism and self-sustaining operative to ensure I was always in control; never showing hurt unless I allowed it.
After the events transpired leaving my ex, I even told my girlfriend “I may or may not cry tonight…it might be a few days before it hits.” And she was openly available to let me process in my own way. I didn’t realize that was my process until the last few years, but the fact that I recognize my pattern - receive information, dissasociate, process, feel, cry, repair - I can handle information better than I could have decades ago.
Tonight, I was watching videos of farm animals, and sweet livestock dogs. I thought of my sweet Misha. I NEVER would have thought I’d love a dog like this. Anything that requires attention like a child just isn’t in my wheelhouse right now. But, my god, this girl is a blessing. I don’t want to fuck any juju up with another one, so we won’t get another one, but this girl is exactly what I’ve needed right now.
I realized that between not being able to develop deep, lasting, whole relationships over the years, it made it harder for me to attach to people AND animals. I had a cat for 10 years. She disappeared one day and my brain said “That’s life, she found her space to rest”. A “normal” person would be devastated about the loss of their lifelong companion, but I viewed it as “Okay, moving on…that’s life.”
A lot of this probably stems from AuDHD, but I think I’m am optimistic realist. Everything has a purpose and meaning in life. Growing up, we had a bird - a parakeet. He randomly showed up at our door. We noted that he had to have been someone’s pet, because he was somewhat “trained”, but he was a beautiful little blue parakeet.
Don’t get me wrong, he could be an asshole. But that was the first real experience I’ve had with a pet. We named him Bubo, after the owl from “Clash of the Titans”. It was fitting in many ways, but he would love and torture us all at the same time. But it also showed me what it was like to care for something outside myself.
Constantly moving and having to reinvent myself meant that I never found a stationary position in which I could offer myself to others. And at a an early age, I realized how my personality molded to whatever the person needed at the time. I saw a video that said “I love your personality”. The AuDHD woman simply replied, “Thanks, this one’s just for you.”
I felt that so hard.
Throughout life, we develop coping mechanisms because of trauma. Some of us get SUPER attached to people immediately. Others are distant and stay guarded. I’m trying to find the balance because I don’t want to be jaded. I want to love anyone that genuinely loves, genuinely reciprocates love, and in turn, wants to grow together.
In talking with my therapist, I realized there are only a few people outside my immediate family that I felt loved me for me, with no expectation or ulterior motive. Funny enough, they were both women. One from high school, and the other, my current girlfriend.
I’m learning to allow my heart to be receptive, without being bitter. I also recognize that my guarded heart is a protective feature instilled to ensure I won’t be taken advantage of again. And I’ve met some AMAZING people in the last week that have truly shown me what genuine relationships should look like. I’m so excited for the future, and so excited to help other women find that for themselves as well.
As Louis the Child said, “There will come a time when we’re slowing down, we’ll hold onto memories. Until then, let’s wreck shit and hold it down. It’s the little things.”