Hindsight is a Sharp 180°

**As I’ve mentioned before - TRIGGER WARNINGS should be implied when reading this blog or reviewing any pictures. Some of this information can be deeply traumatic, painful, and may even be sexual in nature. This may not be suitable for younger readers and viewers.**

If there’s anything I’m learning through this gruesome, grieving, Gargantua (😉) of a minefield, it’s to process before proceeding. Slow down. Breathe. Think. Answer.

I recently spoke with the ADA regarding my case. The charges were dismissed - as many of you know - because I didn’t have factual proof that I hadn't consented to a D/s relationship with this man. I know I had told him many times it wasn’t in my repertoire because that kind of dynamic didn’t work for me. I didn’t want to have to “earn” love. I needed unconditional love, the same love I give to others.

I was watching a crime documentary this morning - kinda my new kick to torture myself, I guess - and one of the stories was eerily similar to my situation. They talked about abuse and how the abuser can be the most charming person, painting the victim in a poor light, making the abuse feel as though it’s their fault.

Let me stop right there.

IT’S. NEVER. YOUR. FAULT.

No one should EVER lay their hands on you. No one should EVER treat you in a way that makes you uncomfortable, sad, or desperate to be heard. No one should EVER make fun of you for their own emotionally fucked up gain. And NO ONE should EVER demean you to the point that you become a shell of the person you once were.

So many of my friends - and even family - told me they could sense something was up with him. Things I didn’t see because he was so charming. But a couple of women in my family knew something was off immediately. They were cordial and polite for my sake, but when they learned of the abuse after I finally left him, it all clicked for them. I wish I had seen it sooner, or that someone would have ripped the scales off my eyes.

With that being said, the charges were dismissed because I couldn’t prove that I had evidence anywhere stating I was not happy with that dynamic, requesting an alternate role or relationship. When I was on the phone with the ADA my brain was racing. I knew I hadn’t sent him text messages like that and if it was only discussed in person, that’s not admissable. The “he said, she said” nonsense.

But in watching a documentary this morning, similar to my experience, something triggered a memory. Not even 2 weeks after the first time he laid his hands on me I typed up an email of all the things I wanted to discuss to resolve, to continue the relationship in a healthy manner.

I had a habit of typing my thoughts and saving them in notepad, or emailing them to myself so I could later read it to him. This would help ensure I didn’t get flustered with my words or allow him to overtalk me. It didn’t always work, but it was always much more effective than trying to fly by the seat of my pants. I’m not a debate driven person. I want peace. So, I never learned how to properly argue a side of something effectively.

The email had 13 points which I wanted to address. Each one clearly noted that I was not interested in being his submissive; I wanted to be his girlfriend. I explained how the balance was not there and I was feeling more used than loved throughout all this.

He also had a horrific habit of asking “You promise you’d do anything to make me happy?” To which he’d follow with some debasing, devaluing, devasting scenario to prove it. Once he said I should let a man - a man I find quite repulsive - use my body however he wants if it would bring pleasure to my ex. (shown in the email screenshots below)

That was the first day my light truly started to dwindle. Whether it was pursued or not, that type of humiliation and degradation is not something you put your loved one through. Even the thought of it continues to invoke nausea and anxiety. I would never ask anyone to do anything degrading to prove their love for me. That’s just sinister, sadistic, and sociopathic.

Some other things in there were how I was required to make a list of things that I could do to make him happy. He would say “effort is better than nothing”, but when I took initiative to add to the list I’d get a flaky response like “Okay'“. So, not every effort is better than nothing. It has to be exactly what he wanted in that moment.

There are many more points I made, and I was able to get them out in discussion at the time. Things started to get better, and for about a month, I thought we were on the upswing.

But JESUS, was I DEAD. FUCKING. WRONG.

I will continue to share this information with the world, to show what a complete pile of garbage these abusers are at their core. How torturous and despicable the actions can be all the way to the end.

Below are screenshots of the email I typed (and read) to this man, asking for understanding, love, patience, and equality. My heartfelt words earned me roughly 3 weeks of physical abstention. But two of those weeks were because I was recovering from surgery. Once I was “healed” enough, he blew up at me and said, “You’re healed enough. Go find someone else to take you in now.” The common theme was, “Get your shit and get out”. And you’ll be seeing a LOT more about that as time goes on.

I don’t know if my message will change anything now that we’ve dismissed the charges, but I was reminded to think deeper, don’t make quick assumptions, and always, always, always give yourself time to think of everything before you give a solid answer. One more day of waiting won’t be detrimental, especially if you find something that holds the abusive asshole accountable. And if anything ever comes up for this man again, this will at least be recorded in history.✌🏼💖